


How Sweet It Is

by KyloRing



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben knows exactly how to push her buttons, F/M, Okay so everyone pushes her buttons, Ravish me like Ive never been ravished before, Rey is low key bitchy but itll work itself out, Reylo AU where Ben is a soft soft boi singer, Rose is a HUGE fangirl and she is dying, They have HISTORY, also Poe somehow turned into Larry from Burn This, and Rey is a flustered mess, and its FABULOUS, everyone loves Finn's jacket, finn and rose are a thing...for now? maybe idk, highschool sweethearts that didn't become sweethearts that are now becoming sweethearts?, i dont know how it happpened but it did, insert movie trope where everything goes dark except the OTP that are in love, its about to get messy, mild love to hate to love again trope? Idk I guess we shall see where this goes mwahahahaha, she might fangirl a bit too hard over Ben Solo, singing on stage is scary af, that was the wrong song Ben, the sass is so real, well and Poe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-03-26 17:06:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19010098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KyloRing/pseuds/KyloRing
Summary: Rose, Finn, and Zay get tickets to see Ben Solo perform live on stage. Rey says she knew Solo and they don't believe her. Once at the concert in the front row Solo recognizes Rey and adorable fluffy shenanigans ensue. I hope you enjoy this incredibly tropey and fluff riddled Reylo AU!





	1. Somebody That I Used To Know

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rebel_Scum1221](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rebel_Scum1221/gifts).



> Alright everyone here is my first attempt at first person. *cringes then looks longingly at third person* I have been sitting on this idea for a long time so its time it finally saw the light of day. Hope you enjoy!

_Now and then I think of when we were together, like when you said you felt so happy you could die..._

"Come on Finn. You're really _surprised_ that Rose kissed you last night?" With a raised eyebrow and a mischievous smile, I watched as Finn fumbled over all of his words trying to come up with a response. 

Finn, Rose, and I had become fast friends our freshman year at Dantooine University and for as long as I've known them I've been stuck in the middle of their unspoken attraction. Rose would bring Finn up constantly every chance she got and Finn...well he confessed his attraction to Rose one evening over drinks after his ex had broken up with him over text. That had been three years ago. Three years of pining. Of will they won't they. It had become unbearable. 

So I spent this past week and half talking Rose into making a move. I had tried Finn first but he lacked the confidence and feared that it would go the wrong way. Last night I made sure they both had at least two glasses of something good to take the edge off and Rose finally acted on my advice. 

It had gone well. Better than expected even seeing as they left the bar together. 

"Didn't last night go well afterward?" I fished for information. It was Finn's turn to be confident.

"Well... I mean...yeah. We cuddled all night. I just..." He sighed and looked down at his coffee.

I rolled my eyes and placed a hand on his arm. "Rose isn't Celine. Y'all have been friends for years. It's time. Embrace the good."

Finn met my eyes then and nodded. "Alright. Thank you, Rey." 

"That's me. Helpful Rey always fixing things." I grinned slightly then took a sip of my own drink.

Finn chuckled. "I don't honestly know what we'd do without you." 

Taking a long sip out of my vanilla latte, "Pining. Insufferably." 

Finn shook his head then smiled brightly as he waved over Rose and Zay. "Hey! What are you guys doing here?"

Zay wrapped her arms around me from hind, squeezing tightly, as Rose leaned against Finn's chair stealing a sip from his coffee. "Rose has some exciting news that couldn't wait. Apparently-"

"I got us tickets to Solo's concert tomorrow night!" Rose interrupted with a squeal that caused my ears to ring. 

"Solo? As in Ben Solo?" 

"Um, yeah." Zay looked down at me quizzically. "You know the songs Rose plays on a constant loop and follows obsessively."

"Best part is they are front row seats! We will be like five feet from the stage!"

"Front row..." I cringed.

"I don't know Rey this sounds like a lot of fun." Finn said.

"What's the matter, Rey?" Zay asked moving to sit on the chair to my left. 

"Nothing. It's nothing. I just haven't seen him in a long time is all."

"You've seen him perform before? Like at a restaurant or something before he made it big?" Exclaimed Rose.

"You could say that I guess." More like dated him in high school up until... 

"You guess?" Rose moved closer, leaning over the table, seeming to peer into my soul waiting for a real answer. 

I sighed exasperatedly if I didn't give her an answer now she would not leave me alone even at the concert. "I know him. We went to high school together."

Rose's jaw dropped. Literally. Zay closed Rose's mouth for her before shaking her head in disbelief. "Seriously?"

"Why didn't you tell us you knew a famous human?" Finn asked, finishing his coffee. "I don't believe it."

"I think you said that just to break poor Rose. Look at her." Zay gestured to the flabbergasted girl, who was still too stunned to speak properly.

"Well for starters I didn't think it was of much import, Finn. And second, it never came up!" God, they were being truly insufferable. 

This whole situation is why I had not brought it up in casual conversation, let alone if they found out we had dated. That we had sung together before. Rose would fangirl so hard she would probably literally combust, while Zay would interrogate me for details on everything. Finn would be the same, just boggled by the idea that I could date anyone let alone someone that had become wildly famous in the last few years. 

The mere idea of going to that concert and being that close to him tomorrow night sent me too close to the edge. What were the chances he would recognize me? Good lord he better not. Or should he... No. He can't and more importantly he won't notice let alone recognize me in the front row while performing in front of god knows how many people. The chances were astronomical. Although, I will admit that my friends doubt in me actually knowing him struck a nerve for some reason. I could know someone like that. I did know someone like that! Ben fucking Solo.

Finn shook his head. "Naw I don't see it. Surely it was another Solo." Standing he took Rose by the arm. "Let's shake this place and find somewhere to eat and discuss this further."

Zay and I agreed and stood following Finn and the shook Rose out of the coffee shop. Fine. So they didn't fully believe me. That was fine. It was, really. It was not even important because I didn't want Solo to see me. He wouldn't see me and if he did I doubt he would recognize me. It had been years. Phone numbers had changed. They had moved on. 

Besides he had no time for a nobody like me.

-*--*--*--*--*-

I had never seen so many people before in my life. I knew Ben had a following but to this degree? It was mind-boggling. Families, groups of women, teens, it would seem that he had every major demographic sucked into his music. Even the fathers to the teens had started bobbing their heads to the music and enjoying themselves after just the second song. Poe Dameron, one of Ben's closest friends had come on stage first, I could have sworn he had the same old leather jacket that he had been known for in high school. He had successfully gotten the crowd pumped, but when Ben came on stage they erupted into a sensory overload of sounds. Screaming, crying, exclamations of love. 

A laugh had poured out of me at the sight of him, covering my mouth with a hand I shook my head. Ben Solo. I couldn't figure out why the mere sight of him on stage, ten feet away from me, was so damn ridiculously funny but it was. Maybe it was the way he strutted on stage or the way he was dressed in that over the top bright red jacket and shoes. Gone it seemed were the days of a simple white shirt, jeans, and a classic black hoodie. The days when he had tried his hardest to not be noticed. A simpler time it would seem.

As the third song came to a close, he sipped from a bottle of water as he scanned the crowd. Thanking them for their support, building their hype even more before announcing he would select someone from the front row to join him. Rose was in hysterics grabbing onto Finn's arm in a poor attempt to contain her excitement.

Zay nudged my shoulder, "If he knows you now is the chance to prove it."

I rolled my eyes. "He won't remember me. That was years ago."

Zay went to say something snarky when she stopped, jaw going slack. Following her gaze, I looked up and met with those pretty brown eyes that I used to know so well. My heart stopped and dropped into my stomach. Rose was waving frantically to get his attention. The world around me seemed to go silent. 

"Rey?" His voice reverberated throughout the auditorium for everyone to hear.  
Heat rose to my cheeks with embarrassment. "Ben Solo. Its been a while."

_But you didn't have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing...but you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough..._


	2. Love of My Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies! As promised here is chapter 2 <3
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

"Too long, sweetheart." 

_Love of my life, can't you see? Bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me..._

There it was that stupid crooked smile of his and that nickname I hadn't heard in years. That word that brought back all of those unwanted memories. Memories of coming home to flowers and music, evenings spent singing and writing, of that night when he...

Damn him to hell. When he reached out I tried to take a step back but Rose shoved me forward. I stumbled into the side of the stage, only caught by Solo's hand on my arm. Before I could curse him, my friends, and the entire galaxy I was hoisted up by a singular strong arm. Great. Not only had he recognized me but now I was on stage with him, in front of god knows how many thousands of people. The roar of the crowd shook me to my core, freezing me in place. 

Guiding me with his hand, he brought me center stage, all while introducing me and saying some other words that I didn't hear quite right. I was completely overwhelmed. The sights, sounds, not to mention the unending swirl of emotions and memories at his touch. 

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I couldn't do this. It wasn't fun or amusing anymore. Yet here I was on stage in front of too many people and Ben Solo holding my hand acting as a support as he had always done before. 

No.

He knew about my stage fright. Knew how uncomfortable this whole situation made me feel. And yet he chose me of all people to come up. Me. Not one of his adoring fangirls that probably had an entire Tumblr blog dedicated to just his hair. No, he had chosen me. The prick. 

"Rey. Hey, look at me."

Blinking I met his gaze, I hadn't realized it before but my hands had started to tremble.

"You're not alone." His eyes did not waver from mine, as if he could give me some of his courage.

Heart racing and still tongue-tied I mustered up enough self-awareness to nod my head. With that as a signal, the beginning notes to a well-known cover of his began to play, causing my hands to go numb as a microphone was placed gently into them. 

Keeping the microphone well away from me I stood on my tiptoes and whispered, "I can't do this Ben."

"Don't be afraid sweetheart. You know what to do." The crowd cheered as Ben returned his attention to them as he began to sing.

_Love of my life, you've hurt me._

_You've broken my heart, now you leave me._

My mouth had gone dry as I listened to the slow solemn melody. Wondering when I should or shouldn't chime in. Feeling the daggers hit their mark with each relevant lyric that hit too close to home. Trying and feeling like I was failing to harmonize as the song progressed. It felt less and less of a duet the further into the song we went and more like a knife to the heart.

_When I grow older I will be there at your side to remind you._

_How I still love you._

Those big brown eyes locked onto mine now and I found that try as I might I could not look away. I had missed those eyes. Missed the glimmer that would light them up every time he had truly laughed. The dimples that surfaced when he would smile. If only he would understand...could understand why I had left. Why I couldn't come back. 

_I still love you._

_Oh, hurry back, hurry back._

How could I make him understand that I left for his betterment? To protect him and myself from future heartbreak. That to love someone means to let them go...that you can't always stay with those you begin to care for. 

_Don't take it away from me._

_Because you don't know what it means to me._

_Love of my life._

When the song finally ended the audience cheered louder than ever, with a glance down to my right I saw my friends jumping with excitement clearly still stunned by the whole ordeal. I just needed to go back to my seat and ride the rest of the concert out in silence then I could go home and- fuck... we had backstage passes. Damn it. I had hours of unspeakable torment left and there was no way I would get away with feigning sickness after all of this. Whatever this was. 

Fan-bloody-tastic.

"Rey Johnson everybody!" He said, raising my hand with his own before escorting me back to my seat. 

Relief crashed over me as I sat down. Zay and Rose immediately sat beside me drilling me with questions like bubbly drill sergeants. After a moment Rose returned to Solo's performance while Zay placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"You okay? You're...well, I don't know pale and flushed all at once." She smiled.

"Later. Just-" I glanced up at the stage, "Just ask me later." 

She shot me that look. The look that I knew all too well. That look that always ended with me spilling everything to her late into the night until I was completely empty.

-*--*--*--*--*-

I don't think Rose had shut up since, well since we arrived at the event, but it had definitely gotten worse once the security guard had begun to escort us backstage. God, I would give anything for her to shut up, or better yet to be out of this situation entirely. This night was about to get infinitely worse, I could feel it in my gut. That primal instinct to run away, that couldn't be acted upon when you're sandwiched between your friends who _wouldn't_ let you out of it even if you begged on your hands and knees especially after that display on stage.

Rose bounced with delight shaking Finn's arm. "We are about to meet Ben Solo and I still can't believe you know him, Rey! You like know know him!"

"Honestly Rey I feel like I need to apologize for not taking you at your word yesterday." Finn said, "Like what happened on stage was..."

Zay whistled, "You two were on fire up there. But may I point out that not only do you _know_ him but you can sing! Why did I not know this?"

I couldn't keep the flush from my cheeks, this was all too much. I was grasping for straws on how to explain it all, or rather how to not explain all of it per se... how do I leave out specific details that I really _really_ did not want to talk about ever again. 

"As I said it- it just never came up." Zay gave me an incredulous eyebrow before shaking her head in exasperation. 

"I can't believe we are in the same building as he is!" Rose squealed, Finn chuckled and followed the guard down the stairs.

"We have been in the same building as him all evening Rose. Take a deep breath already." Zay said from behind me with a smile.

"Oh. My. God!" Rose exclaimed just before taking a series of deep inhalations, "This is the _same_ air that Solo breathes."

I sighed heavily, rolling my eyes so hard I thought for a split second they'd be stuck in the back of my head. "He is just a human, Rose."

Zay chimed in, "Yeah, a human that you've slept with."

"Hey! I-" 

"Oh don't even," She interrupted, "He was practically eye fucking you on stage."

Sometimes I really did not appreciate how perceptive Zay was... the last thing I needed was this type of conversation as we walked into the lounge.

"Don't be shy about it Rey, you can't get more fuckable than Solo." 

Rose would say that just as the damned bloody doors opened into the plain lounge, where Poe Dameron was waiting on the couch, legs sprawled open. 

"Oh don't be modest Rey darling, you're one of the lucky ones, or should I say one?" 

"Pleasure as always Poe." It was nearly impossible to keep from blushing now, to my dismay. Might as well own it. The sooner we got this over with the sooner we could leave and I could wash my hands of this madness.

"Damn straight it is." He said, flashing a wicked grin.

"You're anything but straight," I said, moving over to the chair in the corner. I might have forgotten how nice it was to be around someone as flamboyant as Dameron.

"It's that obvious?"

Zay chuckled, "It's the scarf." 

"I rather like the scarf, should I trade it in for something more trendy." Poe said sauntering over to Finn, "Like this jacket perhaps?" 

I was glad I was sitting in the chair behind Dameron when he gave a suggestive wink to Finn, who, bless him, did not know how to respond to such advances. 

"You know what that jacket says? _Ravish me like I've never been ravished before._ "

The entire room erupted into laughter as Poe took a whimsical bow before returning to his place on the couch. Rose barely paid him any attention as she perused all of Ben's belongings all while making tiny squeaks and other unintelligible noises. Zay and Finn decided to take up the remaining room on the obnoxiously red couch next to Poe. Finn positioned himself on the other side of Zay in an attempt to distance himself from Poe's...well just Poe-ness.

"So tell me, Rey, how has life treated you? I want to know everything, especially since you don't return our phone calls." Poe leaned over his knees, head in his hands expectantly awaiting an answer. 

"Isn't she the worst at returning calls?" Zay exclaimed albeit too enthusiastically.

I narrowed my eyes at her. Couldn't wait until later I see. "I just forget about it, alright." I sighed grasping for time to gather my spiraling thoughts. "I've been fantastic Poe. I am almost finished with college and after that I-"

Poe yawned exaggeratedly, "Darling, forgive me but that is absolutely boring. I want the good stuff, like how many boys-"

I couldn't decide if it was a blessing or curse that Ben barged into the lounge at that exact moment. On the one hand, Poe couldn't finish his sentence and on the other hand, I was too close to Ben at this moment. 

Every hair on the back of my neck stood on end as my heart began to thunder in my ears. I needed to leave, now, but even though I willed myself to move another part of me wanted to stay and hash it out with him. The prick. Choosing me. Choosing that damned good for nothing song. He knew exactly what he was doing, how he was making me feel, how uncomfortable I was. 

My blood was boiling. 

Rose rushed to Ben's side seeming to commit every hair follicle to memory, Ben moved politely away raising his hands ever so slightly upward to ward her off. 

"It's you! Oh my god! It's actually you!" What came out of Rose next was an otherworldly sound that only she could make causing everyone but Ben to laugh.

"It seems you have an admirer Benny boy." Poe grinned, clearly amused by how uncomfortable the situation made him.

"Its a pleasure to meet you Solo." Finn said offering Ben a friendly professional handshake. "Great performance."

"Thank you," Ben answered coolly, making sure to look Finn in the eye when he responded.

"I especially liked the bit when you chose Rey to join you on stage." Zay chimed in, shooting me a bemused look. 

Poe nodded in approval. "I too enjoyed that little show. It has been so long since the two of you sang together, I rather missed it. The intensity. The sexual tension."

That was it. Done. Beyond done. I was leaving and that was that. Without saying a word I marched for the door and as I was about to reach for the knob a massive hand grabbed my elbow. Spinning on my heel I glowered up at his fucking brown eyes. Those pretty whiskey-colored eyes that flickered with concern.

"Rey." I trembled involuntarily as my name rolled so softly off his lips.

So quiet. 

"What was that all about?" I snapped. 

He seemed to become smaller at my outburst. "I saw you down there and I thought that maybe-"

"That what Ben? That I'd _want_ to sing that song with you?" A deadly quiet laugh laced with anger and betrayal erupted out of me. "No. You knew exactly how to humiliate me and hurt me with those lyrics you prick."

"It was a song I knew you knew! Damn it, Rey!" He ran a shaky hand through his hair. "I was not out to get you. Maybe just maybe I wanted to sing with you. Have you thought even for a second that maybe I have missed you?"

Every. Damn. Day.

I bit my lip keeping my mouth shut. He'd stolen the breath from my lungs and I felt as though I could not breathe. I knew he missed me, how could he not. It was not him that had broken things off. I had left him. Left him to protect him from me...or myself from him. He was better off without me. I knew it. He just had to accept it. So we could move on. 

"That maybe I still..." He swallowed something deep in his throat and took a deep breath to steady himself. I swear his lower lip quivered slightly. 

"Still what? See something working out between us? Fuck you, Ben Solo."

He took a step closer closing that precious gap we had kept between us. "Please. Sweetheart. Do that."

I didn't know I had slapped him until I'd already done it. Leaving Ben speechless and the others gaping at us both. With that, I ran back to the car.

_Hurry back, please bring it back home to me..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whelp... *hides under a blanket* That happened. 
> 
> Chapter three will be out next week! Hope you're liking it so far!


	3. Memories

_Memories, feel the pain when it hits you..._

The shower I'd taken once Zay dropped me off at my apartment hadn't had the desired effect. Fuck you, Ben Solo. My own words played on repeat in my mind. Those meaningless heated spur-the-moment words that I'd spat out. That had knocked him down a peg as if she hadn't done that already a few years prior. With an unsteady breath, I began my evening ritual and prepared for bed. My thoughts from this moment forward would rid themselves of Ben. Of his words. Of his voice. The way his hair seemed to sculpt itself perfectly around his face. Certainly not of the times we'd been together. 

No. I was not going to think about any of that.

Frustrated I finished brushing my teeth and curled up on my bed. Pulling my weighted blanket tightly around me for comfort. Fuck him. More like Fuck me.  
It had been years and I still wasn't over Ben. 

Every night I dreamed about different variations of that day. What could have been if I wasn't such a coward? A few stray tears rolled down my cheeks, I didn't bother to wipe them away. 

Damn it. Damn it all to hell.

I had rid myself of everything that reminded me of him. I had moved colleges. I had distanced myself physically. Bought an entirely new wardrobe so that I wouldn't unintentionally stir up memories of dates, kisses, or his gentle touch. I thought it had worked. That I'd be over and done with it. 

And yet here I was every fucking night dreaming about him. I suppose you can't run away from guilt. It always finds a way to eat you whole. 

As sleep washed over me, after a lifetime of tossing and turning, the last image in my mind was of the look on Ben's face just before I stormed out. Not anger. No there was only defeat and sadness left in his eyes.

_Ben's hands swallowed my own as we walked down the bustling streets of New York City. I had been vibrating with excitement since 3:00 o'clock this morning. This was my first, hopefully not my last, trip to the Big Apple. Ben had surprised me the night before with tickets, not just plane tickets but tickets to see a play on Broadway. Freaking Broadway! I didn't deserve him, truly, this practical saint of a man who had gone out of his way to plan a once in a lifetime trip for me. He kept the exact itinerary secret insisting that I follow him around this weekend. That he had more than enough planned and to trust him. So, here I was being led through unfamiliar streets, my wall of a boyfriend parting the red sea of bodies for us._

_"Where are we going?" I asked over the crowd, everyone seemed to be getting off work as the streets hadn't been this full earlier in the day._

_We'd already spent most of the afternoon recovering from a day full of multiple airports, delays, and that sticky travel grime that made my skin crawl. We would have been out to explore sooner if Ben hadn't joined me in the shower to 'save time'._

_Normal showers barely fit the man. But a New York-sized hotel shower? I had barely managed to squeeze in there comfortably, adding Ben to the equation had been... interesting to say the least._

_"This way sweetheart. We are almost there."_

_Gods that mischievous grin made me weak at the knees. His damn dimples. The freckles. The way his eyes lit up when he smiled. What did I do to deserve this? Me a literal nobody somehow ended up with this beast of a man that would surely make a name for himself one day._

_My thoughts were struck short at the site before me as we rounded the corner. Time Square. Bright glittering screens covered the buildings down the packed street, illuminating those walking beneath them. It was funny, just how many lives were in motion all around us. Lives that had their own families, their own hopes and dreams, and their own worries.  
Just like my own life._

_Just like Ben's life._

_It hit me then just how quickly my own life and his, in turn, was changing just by being together. It was incredible and terrifying. I wondered then if my parents had been in a similar situation before having me. Before placing me up for adoption. Had they been blissfully happy? Everything going so right to only be disrupted by me? Their unplanned for and unwanted child. How irrevocably had I destroyed their perfect plan? How had I impacted those lives I connected with like Ben's? What would I do in the future to him?_

_Ben's lips pressed against my cheek breaking me from my train of thought. The tips of his ears were flushed and he had seemingly folded up like a contortionist to stoop to my level for that show of affection. This towering, intimidating, six foot three man now looked like a complete and utter dork all slouched and hunched over._

_"It's amazing the movies and shows don't do it justice," I said, squeezing his hand. Excitement now returning to course through my veins._

_It was true. Every advertisement, movie, photo, video did not properly capture the grandeur and oddly endearing quality of this place. The dancing lights seemed to fuel me as we walked. That's when it hit me fully that we were here, we were in New York, the most iconic city in the world. This was where everything seemed to happen. The place that would make or break you. If you could make here you could truly make it anywhere, and that energy seemed to emanate through the very streets._

_I tilted my head up at him, eyes gleaming and an absurd smile on my lips. With a hand on his chest to steady myself, I lifted up onto my tiptoes and kissed him softly expressing the thankfulness I felt but could never express in words. His lips met mine just as softly, I felt his hands wrap around me pulling me closer to him as he kissed me one last time, nipping at my lower lip._

_That sent a reverberating shiver down my spine awakening some being in my core. A fire that had just been started waiting to be churned and fed more. Later, once we were back to the hotel I could have my way with him. It would be unseemly to attack him in the streets. Have him press me up against the building and-_

_"I love you, you know that right?" Ben interrupted my slew of inappropriately timed thoughts._

_"I know." I said, "I love you too."_

_How could I not? Ben had been one of the only constants in my life. Always supportive, caring, I'd want for nothing whenever I was with him. Sometimes I felt like he thought that was his job. Making sure I was happy. I'd come from nothing and well I still was nothing in all honesty, but Ben he would always do his best to make sure that feeling never snuck up on me._

_A pretty boy with pretty eyes who had come from a not only good but well off family. A happy family. A family that always had dinner together, one that took interest in his life, most importantly a family that was not only there for each other but also for their friends. I remember the first time I met the Solo's in fifth grade._

_I had just moved in with yet another foster family. Thankfully the Jarrus household was one of the good ones. I still can't believe my luck at being placed with them and being able to stay with them until I was an adult. Hera and Kanan tried their hardest to adopt me but never had the funds to so they fought tooth and nail to keep me in their care. Kanan had known the horrors of the foster care system and did not want any of his 'kids' to fear being sent back into the worst of it._

_The Jarrus' were close with the Solo's. We were always visiting them or vice versa, I still remember the first time I walked into their house. Leia kept it tidy, the entire aesthetic of the home was a modern sleek white and grey pallet with the only color coming from accent walls or décor sprinkled tastefully around the house. She had crushed me with a hug and offered me chocolate chip cookies the moment I walked in the door._

_Han seemed to be the complete opposite of his wife. His clothes were always whatever was first in the drawer, which often created a disheveled yet oddly put together look thanks to his minimal selection of clothes. Outrageously extroverted he'd often burst into the room with a new ridiculous story to tell. He'd treated me like one of his own right from the start and taught me everything I know now about random DIY fixes for just about anything._

_And Ben, well he was always around. We became friends fast, late evenings spent watching Star Wars curled up on the couch and taking Chewie, their giant German shepherd, out on adventures at the local park, slowly developed into something else. Leia and Hera seemed to pick up on it before we had and were more than happy to encourage it in not so subtle ways._

_They were a seemingly perfect family._

_A family I'd always wanted._

_One I never felt like I deserved._

_Ben squeezed my hand gently and lead me further into Time Square. This city truly never slept. We explored the numerous shops and little holes in the wall until it was nearly two in the morning before returning to the hotel. When we arrived back I fell into his arms and stayed there all night, I could rest in his arms forever. Those blissfully muscular arms that were easily the size of both of mine, that I, a nobody, most definitely did not deserve._

_Why won't you love me now? WHy won't you love me now?  
What's left if I give you my all? Give you my all, give you my all..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...that was chapter 3. In the coming chapters we will get into a bit more about Rey and Ben's...situation. Awkward situations will ensue and of course more angst and fluff. 
> 
> I wasn't expecting Rey to be quite like this when I first had the idea... but hey its working I think xD


	4. Just A Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another chapter for yall right on time! Hope you're enjoying this little AU.

_I was thinking about you, thinking about me  
Thinking about us, what we going to be,  
Open my eyes, it was only just a dream..._

I was on my second cup of coffee when a thundering stampede sounded from the stairs outside of my apartment. The clambering sound a natural warning that Rose and most likely the rest of the entourage were mere seconds away from creating mayhem within my typically quiet oasis. Now, I usually await their intrusion with a smile on my lips and a cheerful attitude, I loved my friends, however, I had absolutely no desire to see them this particular morning. The morning after I had stormed out on Ben... after slapping him across the cheek. And definitely not after I had spent the entire evening dreaming about our past adventures slicing open old wounds that had never fully healed. Not only did I absolutely need about four more cups of coffee so I did not feel like the living dead, but I also needed it in silence curled up with my weighted blanket on my couch, blissfully alone.

Was it naïve to think that perhaps for once my friends would barge in and _not_ bring up the events last night? Yes, yes it was. I knew them and I was _not_ going to live down what had happened. 

God. I couldn't keep the events from playing in my own head. 

The feel of Ben's hands holding my own, guiding me, imbuing me with a certain strength I lacked without him. 

With a sputtering crash, Rose and Finn spilled through the front door. I'd thought Rose looked excited the night before but now, this morning she was practically buzzing like she hadn't slept and was high as a kite from drinking one too many energy drinks. Sighing I took an exaggeratedly long sip from my drink preparing myself for Tico's inevitable explosion.

Finn had an unusually stupid grin plastered onto his smug face, one that distinctively reminded me of a certain gay band member. 

Oh boy. 

This was most definitely not a good sign.

"Rey! Where are you?!" Rose squeaked, looking manically around my apartment before finding me in the living room. "Ah! There you are!"

When she launched herself onto the couch beside me I barely had enough time to save my magical brown liquid by depositing the glass onto the side table, just as I was enveloped by a lung squashing hug.

"Yes. Here I am," I responded with an over-exaggerated wheeze, as the air from my lungs was squeezed out of me.

As I was released from her grasped Finn, all too cheerfully chimed in, "You are _never_ going to guess who invited us to dinner." 

I did not like the look of that grin on his face. I cringed at what was to come next. I was ninety-nine percent sure I knew exactly who this "mystery" someone was. Someone who had loved throwing outlandish dinner parties ever since high school. 

Master instigator got-the-hots-for-Finn: Poe Dameron.

"Let me guess," I rolled my eyes, tilting my head back against the couch as I stared pointedly at the ceiling.

"Poe!" Rose giggled.

"Yeah, I am not going." 

Finn decided now was the perfect time to plop down on the last empty spot on the couch, so that I was now sandwiched between them with my coffee now out of reach thanks to Finn. I gave him a level unamused look, one I rarely used and one I'd never given him, until now. 

To my surprise instead of speaking, he merely stuck his bottom lip out in a ridiculous pout. 

"Oh, but you have to!" Rose said, hands whisking through the air as she spoke, "I am pretty sure we only got invited because we know you so it would be super weird if you didn't show up. At least for a little bit."

"Besides," Finn said leaning into me, "Poe said he missed you, _dearly_."

I moaned in complete despair. "He does _not_ miss me that much. He just wants to get closer to that jacket of yours." 

Finn smirked and shook his head as Rose took hold of my arm gripping it with urgency, or maybe just to steady herself from the high the overdose of caffeine had her in. "Come on Rey. Please, just come for a few minutes at least."

"After last night all I want to do is stay home and _enjoy_ my weekend." I gave her a pointed look. 

"Alone."

"Ben won't be there." Rose let go of my arm and raised them as if to defuse me. "Poe says he hates dinner parties."

I looked between the two of them, my eyebrows raised incredulously. It wasn't a lie, Ben avoided most social gatherings like the plague, preferring to stay home and write music or fiddle with different chord combinations. But after last night, I was not sure if I believed Poe, that Ben wouldn't make a miraculous appearance just to torment me further. Hell, I didn't even know if I could handle seeing Poe again as he was bound to bring up the fight from the other night. 

"And you don't have to stay for very long. Promise." Finn pitched in trying to sound convincing. 

"Exactly! Just show up and stay for an hour at most. It'll be fun."

They weren't going to leave me and my now chilled coffee alone until they got what they wanted. With an exasperated breath I caved, "Fine I will go if you promise to leave and let me enjoy what's left of my morning."

Rose responded with a shrill squeal as she jumped up to her feet grabbing Finn's hand in the process. "I'll text you the details! See you tonight!"

And just as suddenly as they'd arrived they were gone.

Thank. God.

I grabbed the cup of lukewarm coffee and finished it in one gulp before going to the kitchen for more. Only this time I made an excuse to add just a smidgen of baileys into my cup as well. It was the weekend after all and after Rose's over enthusiastic...everything, I felt like I needed at least a little bit of alcohol this morning. I already had plans to drink tonight. I'd need it if I was going to survive dinner with Poe Dameron. 

-*--*--*--*--*-

As expected this supposed dinner was actually a massive party of over a hundred people. Poe insisted it was still just dinner since, as he had adamantly pointed out, there was a buffet set up throughout the house. Of course, my friends were having a great time eating, drinking, dancing, and hanging out with Dameron who seemed to be suction-cupped to Finn. Rose I noted did not seem to care that much and moved through the party with them both. 

I understood of course. If these were different circumstances and if Ben and I hadn't... well hadn't had what we had happened the night before I might be inclined to partake in the festivities. But that wasn't the case and instead of joining the crowd I indulged in the endless strawberry margaritas. If I had to stay with them I might as well attempt to at least relax, just a little. One margarita turned into two, then three, and after that shots had been handed to me by some stranger. I lost count after that. At some point, I decided to cut myself off and at least eat something so I didn't pass out. 

It was nights like these that I was grateful for my unusually high alcohol tolerance and for easily accessible food. After some type of cold pasta salad and half a burger, I found myself sitting at the edge of the stairs watching the party swirl around the house. 

"Rey!" Poe nearly scared me half to death, seeming to appear out of bloody nowhere. "Darling you look like you need to lay down somewhere quiet."

Sighing I looked up at him, "Considering the likelihood of me convincing Finn and Rose to leave now is a million to one, a quiet place to escape to would be amazing."  
His eyes lit up immediately and a grin crawled up at the corners of his lips. "This way my dear."

He offered his hand to me, which I accepted, letting him lead me up the stairs and down the hall.

"So Finn..."

"What about him?"

"Um...so...he um..." Poe, who was never out of words, seemed at a loss for once. 

"No. No. No. Poe, I _know_ that look." I said, glancing over at him. 

"Look! What look?" He raised his hands defensively. 

" _The,/em > look. The look that left Mitaka heartbroken in tenth grade. Leaving everyone else to piece him back together so that he had the courage to ask Armitage out at graduation. That look."_

__

"Hey now! Mitaka knew what we were doing... we were just trying to figure out what those feelings were is all." He said quirking a brow at me. "Besides he had always had eyes for Hux and they've been married ever since."

"Still. I don't want Finn left broken into a million pieces when you leave." I shook my head, gods this man. I really did miss Poe and he was a good friend but sometimes he didn't know how to control himself and I didn't want to be left cleaning up his mess. "Besides, Finn and Rose _just_ got together."

"I said nothing about Rose being excluded," Poe said mischievously, waggling his eyebrows at me. 

Oh god. 

I made a disgusted sound, "Just go. Please. I don't want to hear any more about this. Geez." I did not need that image in my mind right now, or ever for that matter.

Poe chuckled and agreed to speak no more as we stopped in front of a door. "Here we are the guest suite."

This damn house was way too big. Who had guest suites? Why would you need a guest suite? 

"Thank you, Poe I-"

Before I could finish Dameron had opened the door shoving me in midsentence before practically slamming it shut. There was an audible _click_ as the door was locked behind me. Great. I am locked in a strange room, in a strange house, by my fucking ridiculous friend. Lovely. 

"What the hell are you doing Poe?"

Fuck. 

Fuck. 

Fuck.

I bristled knowing exactly who was behind me without turning around to face him. Maybe I was just imagining things. I had been drinking god knew what earlier. This could easily be a dream. Perhaps I am passed out on the stairs and everything, since I sat down, was a part of this damn nightmare. The fact that I was having these thoughts only proved my theory incorrect. 

"Oh." 

I cringed and dared to turn and face him. Ben was sprawled on the bed one hand behind his head and the other lazily laying across his chest, his legs crossed comfortably. He sounded as unamused as I felt, his eyes glinting with something I couldn't quite place. 

Ben locked eyes with me once for just a few seconds before averting his eyes and pointedly staring at the ceiling. Damn me. I didn't want him to look at me and yet the second he looked away I felt a hollow pit grow within my heart. Yet having him look at me, acknowledge my existence only provoked a whole slew of emotions I didn't want to deal with.  
I don't know how long I stood there like that, arguing with the part of me that wanted to go running to him and the other part that wanted to stay far far away and let him disappear from memory. Once my feet began to hurt I walked across the room and sat on the floor crossing my legs.

A drawn-out sigh sounded from the bed, "There is a bed. You don't have to sit on the floor. It's not like we haven't shared a bed before." 

Biting my lower lip I debated arguing with him on the subject, but considering what had happened the last time I had picked a fight with him left me with nothing but deep regret and nightmares, I stood and plopped on the other side of the bed. My back to him.

I slipped my shoes off, letting them fall beside the bed before laying at the very edge of the, thankfully, king-sized bed. Not that it mattered. Ben still seemed to take up most of the mattress. I could feel every breath he took through my entire body. Quiet long calming breaths. Ones meant to steady and center yourself. As if he was trying to contain something. Was it anger? Hurt? Or something else entirely? 

My heart had begun to beat wildly in my chest, so hard I felt it in my throat. I wondered if he could feel it too. If his heart was beating just as fast. If he had the same hurricane of emotions as I did. That conflicting wanting to run into comforting arms and never leave and the need to run away to prevent future abandonment in the future that would only cause more damage then than now. Right? 

Fuck me indeed. 

The silence between us was _unbearable_. It was as if the quiet was _sucking_ the air out the room. Leaving me with none left to breathe in. My chest tightened as I tried and failed to take a deep breath. 

I was going to rip Poe a new ass hole after putting me through this. The bastard had to have set this up. 

"Did Poe shove you in here too?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.

I felt the bed shift with his weight, he must have rolled onto his side to look at me because when he spoke I could feel the heat of his breath, "No, I was told to come over for some news and then showed up to a fucking party. I escaped up here a few hours ago."

Swallowing hard I clenched my eyes shut and said what had been on my mind all day and all last night. "Ben, I'm sorry for..." I sighed. "Everything."

"Everything?" 

God, I could feel his eyes on me. As if they were searching for something. He remained silent. Patiently waiting for some deeper answer I don't know that I can give him. So I give him the only thing I can. 

"For last night. For overreacting. For yelling at you. For slapping you." As hard as I tried to sound grounded and calm, it came out as anything but. 

"Is that all sweetheart?"

Why must his voice do that damned thing that sent my heart into overdrive? That soft rumble that seemed to appear with each syllable. I did not dare look at him, knowing that the moment I do everything will come rushing out. 

Instead, I let my mind wander off, remembering exactly what had caused all this in the first place, as I stared up at the ceiling.

_If you've ever loved somebody put your hands up, now theyre gone and you're wishing you could give them everything..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week's chapter is a little longer and heavier? *runs and hides*


	5. You Found Me

_The weekend seemed to fly by so quickly, it felt almost like a dream. One that I didn't have to wake up from. I could stay here forever with Ben, his hand wrapped securely around mine, walking through the green of Central Park. It was our last day in New York and I wished we could stay longer knowing that when we returned home that the dreaded conversations about college would resume and decisions would have to be made. Decisions on what the actual fuck I wanted to do with my life, where I was going to live, how I was going to afford it._

_And how Ben would fit into those decisions._

_I wanted him involved in any path I chose, but I also knew the path he had chosen. It had been a dream of his ever since I met him all those years ago and if he had been anyone else he wouldn't have a chance in hell. But Ben was truly special. Gifted. Like he was born to sing, and play, and write. Whenever he went on stage he instantly commanded the rooms attention. Now after years of playing smaller gigs, he had a chance with a label. I did not want to get in the way of that._

_Somehow I just knew that the longer this went on the more I would bring him down into the dirt. If he stayed with me he would become what I was: a nobody. My chest tightened at the thought. I could not do that to him. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I allowed that to happen._

_No. As much as it hurt, as much as I loved him with every fiber of my existence, I needed to let him go._

_Before I truly hurt him I would leave._

_Before he left me I would leave him._

_But before that decision would be enacted I would enjoy our time together. I would commit it all to memory and keep it close to my heart after everything went to shit when we parted._

_I looked up at Ben then, a warmth coming over me as he smiled down at me planting a kiss on the top of my head. He was always doing little things like that. Sweet nothings really that always sent me reeling. I decided then that I would miss those little things the most. The things that only he could do._

_"I can't believe how big this place is," I said gesturing to the greenery around us._

_The parts of Central Park I had seen in films barely scratched the surface of what it had to offer. It was mind-bogglingly beautiful. I could wander through each trail for days and still have more to explore._

_"It's beautiful." I looked up at him and smiled, forcing myself to forget at least for the moment of my decision._

_"Just like you."_

_I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "I don't know Ben, I think you're prettier than me." I teased with a grin._

_A deep laugh rumbled out of him, he paused just for a step to regain his composure. "She thinks I'm pretty." He squeezed my hand softly. "My father won't like his son being called pretty, sweetheart."_

_"Oh?" I quirked an eyebrow at him. "Would he prefer something else?"_

_"Knowing my father he'd prefer his son to be called a scoundrel."_

_It was my turn to laugh then. "Scoundrel hmm?"_

_He stopped suddenly and pulled me close then, wrapping his arm securely around my waist. "Say it again."_

_"You are a scoundrel." I smiled, hands on his broad chest._

_"Now that I like." The playful glint in his eyes seemed to ooze outward and infect me as well._

_Slipping a hand to the base of his neck I pulled him lower. Kissing him softly at first before nibbling at the edges of his lower lip. He muffled a growl by crushing his lips into mine. When we were finished he sported the dumbest grin I had ever laid eyes on. Grabbing my hand again he lead me further into the park down a less-traveled path that ended at the edge of a lake._

_The trees had overgrown over the edge of the water, perfectly framing a cluster of rocks with the cityscape in the distance. Birds chirped and fluttered through the little forest grove truly setting the scene. I was half expecting some ridiculously handsome High Fae lord to come strutting out of the trees._

_I stared out across the lake at the peaks of the towering buildings in the distance, taking in the beauty of it all. Who would have thought that in a city so big there would be a place so quiet, so serene, and lovely yet surrounded by the hustle and bustle of city life? When I turned to say this aloud to Ben I stopped mouth agape._

_Ben, who usually towered over my small frame, was beneath me, on one knee. The world around me began to spin. Spiraling into an unrecognizable blur. This wasn't- couldn't be what it looked like. Surely I had caught him tying a shoe or something. Anything other than what my instincts told me._

_But when he began to speak, voice quiet and shaky at first I knew I was right. I knew exactly where this was leading and it could not be allowed to go there. Not when what I had already decided needed to be done. What I had to do to prevent him from becoming no one._

_"Rey, before I met you I was unbalanced." He took a breath steeling himself for his next words._

_I was too stunned to move, think, or breathe. I only knew that I had to find a way to end this and soon before he got to that question. Once those words escaped him I knew it would be harder for me to let go._

_"And I hope that I've done enough to express just how grateful I am for you. You've balanced me and made me strive to be the best that I can be." His lips tightened as he adjusted his jaw, "Sweetheart, I don't want to spend another-"_

_"Ben please...don't..."_

_My voice broke in a way that instantly created hot burning tears swell in my eyes, blurring my vision so that I could barely make out Ben's face. The ache in my chest felt as if it would split me in two taking my breath away in an instant. It was as if my fear and pain were clawing at my throat, threatening to fall into his arms and let everything go._

_I hated myself then. At this moment I was the monster that was breaking him._

_Blinking furiously I attempted to clear my vision, which only successfully sent raging tears down my cheeks, the flood gates officially opening up. I saw him then and I broke. That look in his eyes, not filled with betrayal but of pure concern. His brown eyes did not look away from mine as he stood and took a step towards me, hand outstretched to grab my own._

_I took a shaky step backward then, distancing myself from him further, knowing that the second he touched me I would melt in his arms becoming a shriveling mess. He looked so fucking worried then as if he had done something wrong, which wasn't the problem, he couldn't do anything wrong. That was the problem. He deserved someone better than me.  
"Rey," His brow furrowed and his eyes seemed to glint down at me. "Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong." _

_"I-I can't."_

_He didn't take another step, afraid that I'd only retreat again, and instead extended his hand more earnestly. His lower lip seemed to tremble slightly and now I knew that the glint in his eyes was the beginnings of tears._

_"Please." The word escaped his lips like a whisper._

_I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't stay any longer or I'd never leave. Lifting my hands away from him I turned and ran through the park. Heart thundering in my chest as if to scream at me for leaving him there. Ignoring everything I ran blindly, not knowing where I was or where I was going. And certainly not thinking about the broken-heart I left behind._

-*--*--*--*--*-

"Is that all sweetheart?" Ben's words hung in the air between us.

Let's see, I could add in emotional scarring and pain from the moment I left him until now. If I hadn't been able to recover in the last two years I could assume he hadn't either. Not after that performance last night. I was not stupid. I knew how I felt and how conflicting and irrational it was, but how do you come back from that? Every fiber of my being wanted to roll over into him, to be wrapped up in his scent again, to have his comforting touch enrapture me entirely. 

But, the other half of me wanted to run away, erase him completely, and be alone. Loneliness was preferable anyways with nothing and no one you could not be a disappointment or be abandoned just when you thought you were wanted. Thanks to Poe that was out of the question currently. 

Which left me with my waring thoughts, a bed, and Ben not more than a foot away. 

Brilliant. 

I wanted to chastise myself for getting into this situation, but honestly, what had I been expecting with Poe involved. The man who has literally been shipping us since the day we met. 

Every time he called me _'sweetheart'_ it only made it harder for me to think, let alone respond. Reminding me of _everything_ that had happened between us, but on top of that, it made me want to fall right back into that playful banter that came so easily with him.

Clearly, enough time had passed between his response because when Ben spoke again his voice was distant, every word hollow and cold. "Everything went to shit that week."   
I felt the unsteady breath that emanated from him. My heart plummeted, knowing exactly what he was talking about: Han and Leia's deaths. I had received the funeral invitation during my move after our trip to New York. In the middle of a move, I had my mail held at the post office for a few weeks and hadn't gone through it until I had finished setting up my current apartment. When I had opened the crisp white envelope I'd fallen to my knees. 

But it had been weeks since their services, too late to pay my respects, and with what had happened when Ben had tried to propose still fresh in my mind I thought it less painful for him if I just stayed out of it. Kanan and Hera had been notified but were unable to attend due to their travels at the time. I hadn't told them what had happened between Ben and I. Not the specifics at least, afraid of what they might say. Afraid only because I did not want to be convinced to stay with him. 

Afraid to be told the truth. 

"I'm sorry I didn't come," I said quietly.

Another long moment passed before he spoke again. "I was driving us back home from dinner when it happened," 

Knots began to form and tighten within my stomach, constricting me from the inside out. I had had a bad feeling about this conversation before it had even begun and now I knew that this was that moment. The moment when Ben would open up and I would listen to all the hurt I inflicted upon him and the pain he carried upon his shoulders. A fitting penance I supposed, in some ways, it wasn't enough for what I had done to the man. 

He didn't seem to notice my silence and the lapse of time that had passed between us as he continued, "If I had just been happier maybe we wouldn't have gone out. I wouldn't have been driving, fuck, if I had been in the back seat I could have taken their place. Died right then and there. Christ knows I deserved it more than them. I killed them damn it. I killed them every day since I came home from that fucking trip, and the tours, and the rehearsals. Fuck! I killed them. I could have turned the other way. Gone a different route. Called an Uber. Fucking shit. I killed my own parents and there's nothing fucking anyone can do to fucking change it."

I couldn't say anything. My heart ached more with every word, at those thoughts that haunted and dominated his mind. Four and a half years later and he was still carrying this unimaginable burden on his shoulders and it was eating him alive. 

It wasn't his fault. 

A drunk teenager had rammed into his vehicle.

The girl had walked away with a few scratches, leaving Ben in critical condition and his parents died before the responders arrived. I still remember finding out the details after I had received the invitation to their funeral service. With a quick Google search, I had learned everything I needed to know. I called Poe twice and received no answer save for a text that had read: _Ben said not to contact you. Sent the invite in hopes you'd show._

I hadn't tried to contact either of them again. Thinking it was better to let our past die and attempt to move on entirely, something I could never truly do. That trip, Ben, it haunted me. The only person I had opened up to about any of this had been Hera, who had listened to my rambling and like the physiatrist that she was offered to help me work through it, as a mother she remained supportive in everything I did or attempted to do. 

One thing had kept me up at night, lurked in my dreams, was the knowledge that I had hurt him in a way that would scar him in the same way I was scared. That whole damn reason I had left him in the first place. Because I couldn't handle the thought of being left again. So, of course, it would make sense to leave before that had a chance to happen because that made _perfect_ sense. Completely logical.

Afraid of being hurt? Well then just hurt someone you love in the same way. That'll work.

Fuck me. 

Ben's voice had trailed off into a soft wheezing sound. That sound you make only when you're completely and irrevocably broken by grief. "The worst part is I still can't...I can't get over you. All I wanted was to see you. But I knew you needed space. Hell, I thought I'd find you in that damn hotel room, thought I'd give you time before trying to talk to you again after trying to spill my fucking heart out to you. When I didn't find you there I panicked. Thought you'd been taken or gotten lost. But when I checked my phone you'd already blocked me or some shit. Find My Friends was turned off. Shit." He swallowed hard before continuing, "I stayed an extra day there just waiting for something. I didn't come home until my mother called and said Hera was with you. I didn't want to leave you alone. When I finally arrived and found you weren't contactable by anyone I spoke with Hera and she said to give you time. Let you sort things out. So I did, that's what I've been doing for the last what is it five years? Waiting for you. Because damn it Rey I told you I wasn't going to be the one to leave you. I was committed to you. I was a mess for a long time in the beginning. Scared my parents. My mother thought I was going to kill myself or get myself killed. That night they- they wanted to take me out to dinner. Attempt to cheer me up. We stayed late. Mom was too tired to drive so I drove us home and then-" 

He broke into sobs then. Hands covering his face. With every shaky intake of breath, my heart broke a little more. 

I did this.

His cries were overwhelming, his erratic breathing belonging to someone who had been working so hard to keep it together for far too long. Ben was still trying, even now in the peak of his weakness, to stay complete, to not fall apart any more than he already had. 

That was the thing though, he wasn't complete. I'm not complete. The world was not complete to him unless we were together.

And I knew now that I had never felt more complete unless I was by his side. Or at least as close to complete as I could get.

I could not take listening to him anymore. Turning over I placed a hand over his gently pulling it away from his face. In the dimly lit bedroom, I could just make out the trail of tears that had blotched his cheeks red. I squeezed his hand gently, he responded by holding it back, his own engulfing mine. He held it firmly as if he would never let it slip out of reach again.

Sighing heavily I looked away from him then, my own guilt catching in my throat and the beginnings of tears in my eyes. I blinked them away hurriedly before taking one more deep breath to steady myself. 

"It is not your fault," I said adamantly, returning my gaze to look into his deep brown eyes. "You were in an accident. You did not kill them. That drunk girl did that so if you want to be mad at someone be mad at her. But don't blame yourself for it. They wouldn't want you to put that weight on your shoulders." He just stared at me, his eyes never moving off mine. "And you don't get to blame yourself for my leaving. That was a shitty thing for me to do and it had _nothing_ to do with you and everything to do with my own fucked up head." 

He squeezed my hand then. Stroking the top of my knuckles with his thumb as he looked down. "Why did you leave?" He said so quietly, ignoring the bit about his parents. Fine. We will deal with that another day.

It hit me then that I had already made the decision to see him again. Great. No one could know about this I would be eaten alive by my friends and Poe fucking Dameron would be considerably too proud of himself.

"I-" How was I supposed to explain all of this to him? It was absolutely ridiculous and illogical even in my own head I could only imagine how insane I would sound once I spoke the words aloud. "I don't want to get into that now." He nodded, his eyes brimming with understanding and that obscene amount of softness my heart nearly broke in two. "Just know it was all me. You did nothing wrong. And I've regretted it every day since."

His eyes lit up then, filling with that spark of hope that sent butterflies swirling in my core.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for updating a day late ya'll! Hope you're enjoying Ben and Rey's little situation. :)


	6. Say When

Ben didn't let go of my hand, instead, he pulled it close to his chest, brushing circles over it with his thumb. I watched him then, the way his eyes followed the path that his finger traced. A lock of his dark hair fell into his eyes and without hesitation, I brushed it back behind his ear. Those endlessly deep brown eyes met mine then. Looking through me and into my soul, sparking something within me. 

My breath hitched.

Keeping my hand firmly pressed against his chest his other hand found its way to the nape of my neck, pulling me down until our lips brushed together. Just a whisper of a kiss, as if asking if it was okay if we could go further. And damn me to hell if I didn't want to go further. To sink further into him as I had a hundred times before. I'd be a fucking idiot to run away now. Not after becoming this vulnerable again. 

So I gave into him. Reciprocating in the only way I knew how. 

Parting my lips I invited him in. Relaxing fully into him with the taste of him. 

This. Moments like this one was what I had missed the most. Small quiet moments like these. Those insignificant little things that seemed impossible to recreate with anyone else.   
The closeness that we had shared before, is what I had missed the most. 

Heat rushed to my cheeks and I was grateful for the dim lighting in the room so he could not see me blush. 

"That was-"

"Kiss me again," I said without thinking. My mouth getting ahead of my mind yet again, but this time I was not at all upset about it.

That contagious shit-eating grin plastered itself onto his face, "With pleasure, sweetheart."

When he kissed me this time there were no questions and no reservations. My hands went straight to his hair, nails raking against his scalp. He pulled me on top of him. My legs straddling him on either side. Both of us were desperately clinging to each other, reacquainting ourselves with one another. 

His scent all but consumed me.

When his hands slipped underneath my shirt, they caressed the creases of my ribs before finding my breasts. My breath hitched as he began kneading them rhythmically. Slowly at first then more earnestly as I moaned against his ear. 

No words were spoken. How could we begin to explain the complexities of how we felt? How we'd felt apart? And the confusing wave of emotions the last day and a half?   
Tracing a hand down from the nape of his neck down his chest I made my way down to the button of his pants and the bulge that had hardened there. I smiled coyly as I unbuttoned and then helped slip his pants open. Sitting upright I helped him fumble through helping me remove the yellow lace panties from underneath my skirt. 

Finally disentangled from our clothing I slowly lowered myself down onto him. Pausing for a moment to adjust to his width.

Fuck me.

Fuck him.

My vision blurred as a wave of insatiable need reverberated through me. That instinctual desire that was preprogrammed within us, and what I needed was more of Ben Solo. I wanted him to take me until I forgot who or what I was. I hadn't been with anyone in nearly five years. 

Five bloody long years.

Without Ben.

Without any desire met because I knew no one would come close to Solo.

Ben grabbed me by my waist. Muttering something under his shaky breath as I lowered completely, taking in the length of him. He tightened his hold on me, slipping his hands downward, grasping my ass as I began to move on him. Rolling my hips in a circular motion. My own hands braced against his unfortunately shirt-covered chest. I felt his muscles tense and shudder beneath my fingertips as I rode him. 

I kept my eyes locked on him as I watched his every expression. Every exhale and sharp intake of air. When he began to move with me, pumping tantalizingly slow, rubbing circles against my inner thigh. Moving precariously closer and closer towards my clit. Desire pulsed through me. Every inch of my body crying out for more each time he thrust deeper into me. 

"Ben." His name escaped my lips like a plea for more. 

I was teetering on the edge of ecstasy and I could feel him approaching that edge with me as we moved together as one unit. Two halves finally brought together again after years of-  
We flipped then, or rather, we fell off the edge of the bed. Ben threw out an arm, keeping himself from landing with his full weight on me as my back hit the floor. He had slipped out me during the tumble and I could not help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. Our desperate attempt to be so close that we had not properly stripped. Disheveling our clothes in the process of getting right to what we wanted.

"I think that's the first time we've rolled out of bed together." I giggled, moving my hands down searching for and then finding his slick cock. 

He groaned, wincing at my touch, "Nope. No. I can't do this anymore."

"Do wha-"

Before I could finish my question Ben had stood, simultaneously scooping me up in his arms, as he darted to the bathroom. Setting me down on the toilet he quickly turned the hot water on in the shower. Having been left wanting and needing more I pulled off my shirt and skirt as Ben thankfully removed all of his own clothing, tossing them unceremoniously to the side. 

Sweet lord have mercy.

Or whatever divine powers that be, the sight of Ben's full naked body never failed to steal my breath away. I remember the first time I ever saw him shirtless I could not speak coherently for at least ten minutes. It wasn't that I'd never seen a shirtless boy my age...it was just...well, Ben had always been special. He had won the genetic jackpot, to say the least. And damn it, he had only gotten better with age. 

The heat of the water had begun to fill the bathroom with steam, which swirled like puffs of smoke as we both stepped into the shower. The warm water felt so good on my skin as it washed over me. I gazed up at Ben smiling as his hair dampened, clinging to the edges of his freckled face. I stepped closer to him, hands pressed against his torso for balance as I stood on tip-toes to kiss his chin, working my way down his neck and chest. Lightly nipping a nipple as I moved lower towards my goal. 

My fingers raked against his abs, as I moved even lower, peppering his chest with kisses. Lips ghosting over his wet skin. His breath hitched under every touch. Every muscle tightened with my attention. It wasn't long before my hands had reached what they'd been searching for, grasping hold of their prize. Ben groaned then braced a hand against the slick wall of the shower to keep from slipping. I grinned wickedly. 

His reactions were just as I recalled them to be. Every intake of breath took me back as if I was reliving this moment from memory. It was as if I had never left and nothing had changed between us.

I was still the same girl he fell for and he was the same boy that had brought whole chickens to school for lunch.

Recalling all the ways that would drive him crazy, I continued to work him thoroughly. Remembering exactly how he liked it. Knowing when to change the rhythm, tighten my grip, licking him at just the right moment in just the right spot. His eyes never left mine and I knew they wouldn't until he finished. I knew it wouldn't be long now, his member throbbed as I worked him with my mouth. His free hand reached out for me, finding just my head, and grasped a fistful of my hair, pulling my head back as release barreled threw him.   
Once he let go of my hair I slumped down sitting up against the opposite wall of the shower. Ben, legs wobbly, slid down so he was sitting in front of me. Those soft dark eyes locking on me, taking me in. 

I laughed then. I wasn't sure quite what set it off. Maybe it was the ridiculous smile that had grown on his face? The way his hair was wet and mangled like a shining brown mop stuck to his head? Or it was simply, and most likely, the combination of every emotion imaginable coursing through my veins. That indescribable feeling of an invisible weight being lifted off of your shoulders that you had been ignoring for too long. 

"What's so funny?" He asked, flicking some water at me. 

"I don't know," I said.

Attempting to stifle my laughter I found to be useless. Each time I took a deep ceremonious breath to calm myself only seemed to make my laughing fit worse. Ben did not seem to mind my ridiculous outburst. In fact, his smile quickly turned wicked. Grabbing my knees he pulled, sliding me across the slick floor of the shower. 

"I think there is only one way to solve your little problem."

Anticipation roiled within my core. Adding gas to the flame that was already burning within myself. Ben nodded with an audible 'mmmhm' before he began rubbing my calves in leisurely strokes. As he made his way further up my legs he bent over slightly placing my limbs over his broad shoulders. My laughter had quickly changed to soft whimpers of complete and utter impatience as my mind swirled around what he was about to do and how badly I had missed it. 

Soft strokes turned into firm but lazy circles that only teased what was to come without ever getting close to their final destination. My breath caught suddenly as Ben kissed so antagonizing close to where my body yearned for him. I arched my back in a desperate attempt to bring myself closer to him. 

Ben chuckled onto my skin, "Want something?"

Oh, I wanted to slap him. My response to him was intelligible muttering under my breath. He knew exactly what he was doing and as much as the taunting annoyed me Ben knew I enjoyed it. Ben relished in making me wait. 

"I swear if you-"

I couldn't think anymore. The relief of him pressing against my clit with his tongue surged through me. Stealing the air from my lungs. And yet it wasn't enough. Within an instant, I wanted more but he was a step ahead of me. He moved his hands higher, one remaining on my thigh while the other teased circles around my entrance. A low moan dripped from my lips. Ben seemed overly pleased with himself, pausing a moment to look down at me. 

"Like that?"

He knew I couldn't answer him in this state, but he waited patiently. Doing whatever he liked with me. Fingers stroking, kneading, teasing every inch of me. 

"Yes." It was laughable at how need ridden I sounded. 

"Good, so I can stop then." 

The fucker.

I cut him the best glare I could muster, to which he merely smirked and returned to his work. Nipping at the edges of me as his mouth traded places with his hands. As he licked and nibbled at my entrance and the lips surrounding them my hips bucked for more. Needing more. Always more until I was fully satisfied. Ben knew, just as I had with him, exactly what to do. What made me thirst for more of him and what sent me reeling instantaneously. As I moved with him his hands roamed over my body. And when I was at the edge of the abyss he moved up nipping my clit as he passed it by making his way up my sides to my chest, resting his head there. I grasped for him. Nails digging into his back as I pulled him closer. 

"I think." He kissed between my breasts repositioning to my neck, "I need to finish what we started earlier."

I could feel him then hard against me. Pulsing with need. Leaning up I bit at his ear. 

"What are you waiting for?" I said. Tilting my head back in anticipation. 

That was all he needed. He pushed into me waiting just a moment for me to adjust before thrusting slow and steady. That did not last long though. We were both too close to edge already. We moved together as one unit. Adjusting to one another. Heat radiated throughout each of us. Blending together as if we were one person. As pure unadulterated bliss shot through us I could not remember a time that we had ever been apart. 

The water ran cold by the time we were finished. As we dried each other off, both flushed and looking like prunes, I could not fathom having to leave him. The regret and guilt of abandoning him returned as we curled up on the bed together. His arms wrapped securely around me. I knew I could not do that again. I would have to find a way to make up for the   
years we missed together and mend what I had broke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I know, I know its been 2 weeks since I've updated. But I am hoping that this chapter was worth it, it's only my third time attempting to write smut and the first time in the first person. I should be back on schedule for an update on Tuesday! I am crossing my fingers that ya'll enjoyed this chapter and I'll see you next week!


	7. Daylight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry, this is being posted late! It was ready Tuesday night but I ended up having a friend come into town and unfortunately did not have time to upload this! So here you go!

Morning light filtered through the blinds. I winced at the brightness and pulled Ben's arm further up to shield my eyes. His arms tightened around me pulling me closer to him. He mumbled something half-asleep into my hair. A lazy smile crept onto the corners of my lips. Waking up every morning alone over the years when I'd become so accustomed to the warmth and security of waking to Ben holding me close to his chest. Having to shove him off of me to get my morning cup of coffee-

Blissful contentment was replaced with sheer bloody panic. I shot up flinging the covers off of us. It was morning. God only knew what time in the morning and we were both still in this damned bedroom that Poe had locked us in. Naked. The same thought must have just now hit Ben as he scrambled to the bathroom fumbling as he grabbed our clothes. When he reemerged he blindly tossed garments at me.

We both frantically pulled on the clothes without thinking. When I went to slip on my shirt I stopped. 

This was _not_ mine.

"Ben here." I threw it at him then covered my mouth in an attempt to stifle my laugh.

Ben apparently had not noticed until it was too late that the shirt he was trying to put on was actually mine. The floral blouse was now stuck around his head, arms stuck in the sleeves, his hands flailing about above his head like antlers.

He could not have looked more ridiculous. I wished I'd had my phone to save it for later, but it was on the counter downstairs where I'd left it the night before. What an impression it would have made, the great Ben Solo stuck while trying on women's clothing.

"Don't...just help me out of this before Poe walks in," Ben grumbled.

"Okay, okay just hold still."

I rushed to his side and tried desperately to maneuver his massive arms back through the sleeves without ripping the thin fabric. I'd managed to get his muscled limb halfway back through the opening when he shifted in an attempt to wiggle the rest of the way out.

"Ben. Hold-" The sound of the fabric ripping was all that could be heard. "Still."

I smacked Ben upside the head when he slipped the blouse off. The tips of his ears were flushed when his face emerged, matching the color of his cheeks. 

Sheepishly he handed the torn thing to me. "Sorry."

"You owe me a new shirt." I said inspecting the garment.

The one sleeve was torn all the way down to the seam that wrapped around my wrist. This was fine. Just _fine_. I could make this work. Slipping it over my head I adjusted it. Tucking the ends into my skirt. Looking down at my left arm I inspected the sleeve. Thankfully, the blouse already had flowing sleeves, the tear was easily hidden as long as I didn't do any jumping-jacks on my way out I'd be fine. We would be able to leave as if nothing had ever happened.

"Ben we-"

"Can't let them know what happened? No shit. Especially Poe." He finished my thought for me.

"I just want to figure out what we are and where we stand before we tell anyone," I said meeting his gaze as he slipped on his dark tee-shirt. "I can't do that with everyone breathing down our necks."

Ben stroked a hair from my face, tucking it securely behind my ear. "It's settled then. We leave here like nothing happened. Just pissed at Poe. As per usual." He grinned slightly, "Then I am going to pick you up tonight."

My eyebrows raised. "You are, are you?"

"Yes, I am." His eyes glint as he spoke. "We can have a night in to talk."

I simply nodded, butterflies already fluttering in my gut. We had so much ground to cover I wasn't sure we could do it. But I knew I couldn't leave him again I needed this. We both did. Hair brushed. Bed made. And looking best as we could like we did the night before we slipped out the door. Dameron had obviously unlocked it at some point in the night. I only hoped it was well after Ben and I had passed out in each other's arms. If Poe had heard anything...there would be no hiding this. Whatever this was.

As expected Poe was waiting for us, leaning haphazardly against the island, hands entwined around a coffee mug. His eyes sparkled mischievously. I didn't need to feign my irritation towards Poe at least. Even if his plan had worked out flawlessly. _He_ didn't need to know that bit though.

"Rough night?" He asked, fingers tapping against the ceramic cup. "I made your coffee already just like you like it."

Sure enough, there were two to-go cups already waiting for us next to the coffee maker. One red and the other blue seems Poe not only remembered my coffee preferences but also my favorite color. I sighed and took a long sip from my coffee.

"Where are Finn and Rose?" I asked flatly.

"They left around three in the morning, love."

I snapped. "Poe they were my ride!"

" _Were_ your ride. I told them you had another ride." His eyes shifted to Ben, who stood leaning against the staircase royally irritated.

"Excuse me."

I wanted to strangle him. The little shit had locked us in a damn room together all fucking night and now he was intent on making us drive together.

"What?" Ben growled.

"Benny boy the only reason I am standing right now is because of this hunk of granite." Poe patted the counter affectionately. "Besides after a night together it's only right to escort her home."

The smirk on Dameron's lips was palpable. I swore I could hear Ben grinding his teeth his fists clenched so tightly I thought the mug he held would surely break.

"You're an ass, Dameron," I said moving past him so that I could take a seat on a barstool.

"I do like it best in the ass." Poe quipped.

"We weren't together," Ben said through gritted teeth.

I shot him a look momentarily. For the time being, the less Poe knew the better. The last thing we needed was for him to know what exactly happened last night. Once Poe knew, the   
world would know before we even had a chance to figure out what exactly _this_ was or would be.

"We were locked in a room together against our will." I gave Dameron a curt look. "I already ordered an Uber and I don't want to see either of you two brainless twats again."

"Ouch," Poe said, placing a hand over his heart. "I was merely trying to get you two to-"

"Yes, yes we know what you were trying to do. Just shut up and take your coffee elsewhere." Ben snapped, clearly annoyed by his friend.

My phone vibrated, glancing down I saw it was my Uber ride signaling my time to leave. Ben gave me an aggravated but desperate look as I said my goodbyes and left Dameron in Ben's capable hands.

-*--*--*--*--*-

"Rey, I swear to god, you have to tell me. You promised and now you're trying to get out of it." Zay repositioned herself on the couch, her eyes following me around as I poured myself yet _another_ cup of coffee.

This would be my sixth or seventh cup since earlier in the morning. I'd lost count. I only knew that I needed more of it if I was going to make it through the day. Zay had asked to come over this afternoon, rather she announced she was coming like it or not. We hadn't spoken since the night of the concert.

Bracing myself for the interrogation I was surely about to receive, I plopped down beside her. Hugging the warm life-saving drink to my chest letting the aroma waft over me. Maybe just maybe Zay would not be quite as ridiculous as the others. At the very least she was not dragging me to a dinner with Poe.

"What exactly do you want to know?" I asked, exasperated.

"Everything!" She exclaimed.

I gave her you're-going-to-have-to-be-more-specific look. Everything would take far too long and was too broad of a question to answer. Hell. I did not know _what_ we were currently. And last night...well that was an explosion of pent up emotion and the result of Dameron's plotting.

Zay rolled her eyes. "So you obviously _know_ Ben. What went wrong?"

Taking a long sip of my drink I shook my head slowly. "Nothing went wrong. I just...left."

Zay leaned forward jaw slightly agape. "Hold up. You left him and nothing was wrong?"

"Don't. Let's just move on okay." I said.

"Okay, then tell me what happened last night. Finn and Rose went missing all day yesterday and I received drunk texts and snaps all last night." My stomach tightened. "Some of those pictures included you. Then Poe explaining that you were getting some much-needed attention. I can only assume-"

"Stop. No. No, no, no, no. I just-" I struggled to find the proper words. Ben and I had agreed not to tell anyone anything until we had it all figured out. But I needed to say something believable or she would not leave me alone. Settling on a partial truth I gathered myself and said, "Poe locked Ben and I in a room together all night."

"He didn't! The brilliant bastard!"

"Um no. It was awkward as all fuck." I said, lacing my words with all the frustration I had this morning. "He basically kidnapped the both of us."

She looked over me closer then, lips twisting up into a knowing grin. "You fucked him didn't you."

Eyes widening my jaw went slack. "Zay! No! Why would I- the last time I saw him I-"

"Slapped him then stormed off? It was mildly sexy you should have seen the look on his face when you stormed off. As to why would you fuck him? Where should I start?"

"Stop."

"You have a steamy history. He is the literal walking definition of tall, dark, and handsome. I can only imagine what he is like in the sheets." Zay continued to count each reason for Ben's fuckability on her fingers. "Also you have _that_ look about you. "

I stopped biting my tongue long enough to ask, knowing I'd regret it. "What look?"

"The I had my brains fucked out last night look."

I looked down at the creamy goodness in my cup hoping it would save me. I was apparently an expert at lying to myself, but lying to my friends was _not_ my strong suit. Zay to be fair could read me like a book. I swore she had been a detective in a past life.

"You have to swear to me you won't tell anyone." The giddy cry that came out of her caused me to jump. "Zay!"

Lifting her hands in surrender she steadied herself. "I swear, I swear. Cross my heart and hope to die all that shit. But now you have to tell me everything."

Sighing, I gave in then. Telling her loosely about Ben and I's history and what had happened the night before. I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel good to unburden myself on someone. Zay, unlike me, was capable of keeping secrets from the others. If I was going to make it through whatever this situation with Ben was it would be nice to have one person to talk freely with. Someone who would help cover my back when I needed it. And maybe, just maybe this would help me make sense out of my own emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, there it was! A shorter easier chapter. Hope yall enjoyed it. <3


	8. Had Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! It's been too long and I have no excuses...just yeah. I hope ya'll enjoy this mess of a chapter. Thank you to my bestest porg and beta and wife @Rebel_Scum1221 for helping me.

We had been laying like this for hours. Ben stroking my hair, an arm wrapped around my middle, holding me close. The evening had gone by quickly after he had picked me up. Talking for hours on end all while avoiding what really needed to be discussed. Tip-toeing around emotions and feelings was something we were _both_ very good at. I was completely drained of the ability to process just about anything beyond how comfortable I was currently. 

Ben’s breaths came slow and steady. My head rose and fell rhythmically with his chest. A mess. This was all one big heaping pile of messiness. There was so much we needed to work through. The mere thought of it sent my head reeling, but the gentle tug on my hair quieted that voice inside me that was always screaming. Silencing it with one gentle motion. The familiar feeling of his weight around me kept my anxiety at bay. All I wanted was this quiet limbo to last just five more minutes before the inevitable awkward conversation began. 

Ben took an unusually long breath, exhaling slowly as if he was gathering his thoughts. 

There was always a sigh before any true conversation began. Butterflies began to flutter in my stomach. Why were _feelings_ of all things so fucking terrifying? 

Every inch of me was at war with itself; wanting to synonymously flee and stay exactly where I was all at once. My head spun out of control. I knew what was coming. That awkward uncomfortable talk about what to do about those conflicting feelings with the added complications of their history. Nausea crept through me the longer I asked myself impossible questions. 

But, there were feasible questions though. Ones that we needed to discuss, I just needed to find the courage to ask them. And that was the problem, always lying with me because let's face it I am a coward. Failing miserably to find even a single drop of nerve. Which was absolutely ridiculous. Fuck me. It was not like Ben was a total stranger. I knew the man very well for crying out loud. He knew things about myself others would never know and I could not ask him a damn simple question. 

Luckily, Ben spoke first, like the sturdy dependable unwavering wall that he was. “So, what happens now?”

I responded in the only way my brain would allow, with a non-committal ‘I don’t know’. Just like I always was unreliable and more confused about my own feelings than anyone else in the room. 

“What do you want?” He said, again, putting me first as always.

I wanted to stay like this forever, just silently content in each other's arms. No questions. Just blissful silent peace, without having to search my feelings for the terrifying truth. 

“I don’t want to leave again. I don’t know, I just feel like I’m jumping in headfirst and I’ll regret it and I don’t want that. I don’t want to regret you, Ben, ever.” I sighed in an attempt to steal my nerves and keep from blustering through my words later. 

“So let’s just dip our toes in the water,” Ben said it like it was possible. As easy as breathing, and not a power struggle in my head. 

I would never be the person he deserved, and yet he refused all others. Poe had said as much, even with the fame and stature. It gave me some sort of unbridled hope. The problem was never if he loved me, I had never doubted that. The problem was _me_ , and no matter how many times he had tried to convince me otherwise my mind would go on an endless loop. 

“And do what exactly?” I asked as calmly as my mind would allow. 

His hand slowly stroked my back and shoulders as if he knew what was going through my mind right now. That I was internally screaming. 

“Well, we can see where this goes. Keep things quiet for multiple reasons until we figure things out.” I felt him adjust so that he was looking down at me, his lips brushing against my hair. “Nothing has to be concrete. We can spend time together. Take things slow.”

“Slow? Because last night was _so_ slow.” I dared to look up and meet his almond brown eyes.

“Hey, now we don’t _have_ to do that if you don’t want to.” He smirked, his dimples showing just at the edge of his cheeks. 

“No, no I didn’t- that’s not what I meant.” I sighed heavily, defeated. “Last night was nice,” I said quietly, god I felt like a bumbling idiot. 

Ben squeezed me gently then pulled me on top of him. Brushing the stray strands of hair from my face. “It was something else.”

I buried my head into his chest, using him as my own personal oversized pillow. The rhythmic beat of his heart beckoning me to let sleep carry me away. 

“Don’t leave me okay.” 

I didn’t think he meant for me to hear him. He had spoken so quietly you could have mistaken it for a breath. An ache ripped through my chest. This is why he deserved better. Someone who had not ruined him. Had not broken him to pieces. Someone who would have said yes, someone who would have stayed by his side in support as he buried his parents. Not me, the coward that had abandoned him all because _I_ didn’t want the same to happen to me. Because that made _perfect_ sense to my fucked-up mind. 

This time things would be different. If we were going to test the waters I was going to make sure I made it to the deep end with him. Shifting, so that I was looking up at him, I brushed my lips softly against his chin. Entangling his hair between my fingers, knowing that he found it soothing. 

“I won’t. Not at least- not without an explanation.” It wasn’t the exact thing he wanted to hear. I knew as much, but it was something. It was the best I could give even though I knew it wasn’t enough. 

I’d never be enough. 

A small sigh escaped his lips before he kissed my forehead murmuring, “Fair enough.” Another moment passed before he spoke again, voice soft. “We are really doing this then?”

I nodded and peppered his chest and neck with kisses in response. This was it. This is that moment where we decide to move forward and start anew. 

All I could do in reply was a nod and attempt to get closer to him. Pulling myself around him, my head placed back on his chest. We were doing this. Whatever _this_ was. And for a brief moment, I let myself relax fully into him. 

Ben shifted, sliding his feet over the edge of the bed as he sat up. “Come on sweetheart, I am in need.”

“Of?” I asked. 

“I am making us waffles.” He quipped, attempting and failing to impersonate Donkey from Shrek. 

I couldn’t help but giggle like an idiot. I loved seeing him like this all bright and cheery. It was like a spark had been rekindled within his soul. And that look he gave over his shoulder sent a warm wave through my body. Needless to say, it did not take me long to follow him down the stairs into the kitchen. 

Before long the smell of banana nut waffles and maple syrup wafted through the house. It almost made the sleek rental feel like home. A home that I didn’t want to leave. My mind drifted off lingering on what it would be like to have this every night. Every day. Forever. It was terrifyingly wonderful. 

Ben plopped a four stack of freshly buttered golden goodness in front of me, a fork sticking out of the top of the massive pile. I dug in, not realizing how hungry I actually was, shoveling a massive bite into my mouth. A hint of sticky syrup clinging to edge of my lips. 

“God, I love these,” I said, mouth full.

“You don’t say.” Ben grinned taking a more delicate bite from his own significantly smaller stack. “Remember in tenth grade when I finally got my own hunk of junk car-”

“Mmm. L3?” 

He nodded. “Yeah, good ol’ L3. You were dying for some banana nut waffles so I drove you to that shoddy Waffle House down the road.”

“Yeah, I remember you ordered Peanut butter and chocolate.” I smiled widely, thankfully I had remembered to swallow beforehand.

“My usual.” Ben’s smile reached his eyes as they glimmered down at me, causing my heart to skip a beat. “I loved taking you out to eat.”

“Oh? Just to eat?” I teased. 

“Well, that and-” He paused shaking his head slightly. “Other things. But taking you out to eat was always my favorite. I love how much you love food.”

“I love how much _you_ love that I love food.” I wrinkled my nose at him.

“I still don’t know where you put it all.”

“Haven’t I told you about my hollow leg?” I quipped before stuffing my face with another mouthful of the heavenly stack that was, unfortunately, getting shorter by the minute. 

“Rey, sweetheart?” Ben asked a bit hesitantly, a lopsided grin on his face. 

Something riled in my gut as if someone had reached in and gripped tightly around my stomach. “Yes, Ben?” 

His hand reached over and took my hand in his. Heat seemed to spread from him through my arm infecting my entire body. I couldn’t look at him, even though I felt his eyes on me. 

“I just-” He sighed and rubbed circles over my wrist, each tender graze simmering with pleading desperation. “Things are different now. I have to keep reminding myself that we aren’t the same people that we were. I want to just jump back into you, in every sense of what that means.”

I smiled up at him, soft and tentative. It felt like we had already spoken at length about this, but I was horrible at communicating clearly. My worst habit being that I assumed Ben understood what I assumed half of the time. I needed to work on that. This whole doing talking thing as Rose would put it.

“We need to grow back into each other,” Ben said, pressing a kiss to the back of my hand.

“Since when did you become a philosopher?” I asked jokingly.

“Since I started going to therapy.” 

He wasn’t lashing out at me. I knew that. But it hit me like a knife to the heart. Yet another thing I would need to work on accepting. How much _I_ had wreaked him. Broken him. Ben was right of course, this was going to take a lot of hard work, time, and growth from us both. We weren’t the same as we had once been. Perhaps we would grow into something better than before.

“I’m-”

His hand left mine as a finger rest on my lips before I could finish, “No more of that. Not everything is your fault. Got it?” I nodded. “We will work and grow together alright?”

“We shall be but saplings, trying to grow in a forest made of- erm- obstacles.” I fumbled through the words in some bad interpretation of a nonexistent accent. Ben chuckled halfway through the sentence. 

“That was bad.” He cringed, still laughing.

“ _So_ bad.” I agreed. 

“But I’ll take it.”

His hand moved to my hair, grasping the back of my head gently as his lips met mine. He would take me as I am and that would be enough. He would be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Whelp...that was that. Had to get the ball rolling somehow! Next weeks chapter is a bit longer and a LOT more happens. <3 Feedback is appreciated but not required and I hope yall return for the next chapter!


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